Cheer Up

“Cheer up”, they insist. “What have you got to be sad about?”

But I am not sad.

People are sad when they receive bad news or say goodbye to a loved one. When they inflict it upon themselves by watching the latest tear-jerking romantic comedy. Those are surface scratches – they need only time to heal completely.

I am exhibiting a side-effect. An external symptom of a complex relationship unfolding within. His presence fills me and consumes me. He follows me wherever my destination and waits for me to return home. He sends me to sleep for a thousand days and keeps me awake for an eternity. He beats me, breaks me, chews me up and swallows me, digests and passes me, time after time after time.

Imagine a shadowy figure watching over your every move. You know He is there and He knows that you know. You can’t talk to Him or reason with Him. He is too big to fight, but you can’t see Him or show Him to anyone. You have no choice but to accept that He is holding your remote control and He can change your channel on a whim or put you into standby mode as He pleases. He is equal parts worst nightmare and oldest friend.

I do not feel alone in an empty room. His presence, although fuelling the rage inside me, my paranoia and insomnia, is at times almost comforting. Despite the pain, fear and confusion He is always there for me, like an abusive spouse. He understands me.

I know that I have a friendlier passenger than many people. Most days He seems content to let me drive. We argue in the morning over whether to leave our bed or not, but He generally lets me win this debate and allows me to function as a part of society. He has no desire for me to do physical harm to myself, for which I am eternally thankful.

We co-exist quite comfortably, except when we don’t.

I write this after some recent “down time”, as an attempt to describe the most difficult relationship I will ever be a part of – my personal experience of health problems which affect the mind. I am not seeking your help or your sympathy.

Please do not feel sad for me. Cheer up.

1 Comment

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One Response to Cheer Up

  1. niki

    He is not too big, and you don’t have to fight. You just need to change your thinking, your brain get used to this feeling and no matter what you do its always there. I believe that you can change it, just need to find a way, small steps, maybe something new.
    I had depression 12 years ago, mostly because of medicine I took that time, it was horrible time for me. Two personalities in one body fighting with each other. When you hurt not only your soul but also your body then you realise that maybe you need some help from outside, talk with someone who don’t know you that much and can see what you can’t see in you.
    Remember that you can always end this toxic relationship. First step is to believe that you can ☺
    I believe you can, now its your turn. Best wishes for this new year, open your mind and you will find a way

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